Ladies and gentle…guys!!!!
Wetin dey, how now, wagwan, iz ow, niaje, koro, yamune, kuhana atia and hello to all!!!!!!
Yeah yeah yeah, we know…its been too long since we wrote to you guys, and i believe you all need and deserve an explanation. This is it…Eddie had run dry on stories and decided to try out a Christian Amanpour for all y’all…..if you don’t know what that means, lemme explain. Christian Amanpour is that CNN lady, top reporter who jumps from one crisis to another….bombing in Middle East, she’s there. Crisis in darfur, there. Blow jobs in the white house, there. Burst sewer in Muthurwa…there!!! Ala!!!! As long as there’s bodily fluid being poured shes there! So our own Eddie tried out one of these and went up into the North of Nigeria and was there for a week plus. He will write to y’all soon. Me, i went to beautiful Nairobi to handle some personal stuff, and while there i swore off technology…i relaxed the old way, like my ancestors…..under a tree drinking those murky waters from Ruaraka in copious quantities (beer for the newbies)
This is the way to relax. I know this because the inventors and “wise men” of yore came up with a lot of wise sayings and inventions, discoveries and all this kind of shit this way. Look at the wise men in Mombasa…who else than an old drunk asswipe would come up with a saying like Bak bandika bak bandua??? sounds like illegal brew jibberish to me!!! Also think about shit like a white man saying shit like “the bullet that kills you is the one you dont hear” well its true, but what the hell???
Anyway, i was in sunny beautiful Nairobi and this is my story for today…..(although it probably wont be as great as Eddie Amanpour’s) Well, i arrived on a thursday, to be picked by my smaller bro, who invited me with an open beer…bless his heart! we had that one at the airport, and sped home. There, i dropped my bag, and we were off to look for an open bar, to celebrate my arrival (what?) any excuse to drink……Kenya!!!
Anyhow, had a number of drinks, you pick the number, but was nothing less than ten. Inebriation KENYAN style..he he he. slept and slept well guys. Next day i woke up and doled on my OGA suit and headed off to town……for what reason?? A quick cure for my AAAHDS!!!! Guys, Nairobi is blessed. As soon as i parked my car in town i was shocked by the ass erosion in Nairobi.
I was forced to sit on a pavement, people, just because of all the excellence of diab i saw!! All of it was there. Full moons, Half moons. Nice toosh, tight toosh, wobbly toosh, scary toosh!!! It was like i drove into heaven….in fact i kinda overdid my cure and developed a condition known as EIOATFA (pronounced e-i-o-a-t-f-a). but my people please dont panic…im back in Nigeria and another day here, it’ll balance, and i will be ok…..huh?? you wanna know what EIOATFA is?? It’s a condition that you develop pwhen you spend all day outside the Hilton Nairobi, looking at women’s posteriors…….it means Extreme Inundation Of All That Fine Ass!!
Listen, the ass in Nairobi is just awesome. This i saw all over the place. Everywhere you turn, a fine ass!!! i invite all 9ja boys to come see for yourselves..When you die and go to heaven, you’re probably gonna end up in Kenya!!!! he he he. Anyhow, i was walking around dressed like and Oga, holding my phones and holding my head up, trying to ignore the “wildlife” around me, and i decided to visit a boy of mine. I arrived and knocked at his office, mother bitch came out, sized me up in my get up………..and said the one thing i didnt expect to hear………listen i thought he’d say “wow dude, that shit is off the hizzle to the shizzle…better recognizzle!!!!” But the sumumabitch only asked calmly “why are you trying to dress like Jesus?” IMAGINE??? At this point readers, I ask the Big Question,
Thank you for participating. We will read out the results after this!
So the guy totally deflated my slightly inflated ego, and i proceeded to storm out of the place like a gay little bitch, screaming like a litle girl!!! Damn you MR. Moreez!!!!! yeah i said it!!!
At this point i can only think of one person to make me feel great, she’s he queen of my heart, my pillar, my support, and the reason i am who i am…..J you know who you are!! I headed over to her house, and waited like a kid waiting for that first puppy!! An hour later, she came and we proceeded to **$#%@$%^@^@#$%&@$%%^#^^&**%#^*@$%!##^*#R$%&#$^@#$%!&^&*#%^%!%#$%&!
He he he he! this is only friday, and i have all this down…. you all are lucky! So went on to joing some of my mates later on at the pub, Nairobi pubs are great, always smell of roast meat, guys acting cool, ladies acting hoyty toyty, some boys acting like idiots….aaaahhhhh i’m home!!!! Nice.
Had a great time drinking and trading war stories…under a tree!!! I shit you not…….till the wee hours of the morning! Drove off to the house, not forgetting to buy a half “porno” chicken from Kenchick, and was in bed early…..on Saturday!! Goodnight Kenya, thanks for the lovely welcome…..
Next time……..Chilling with the Original Homeboys!…….
Great to be back guys…..