Back with a BANG!!!!

•December 11, 2008 • 3 Comments

Ladies and gentle…guys!!!!

Wetin dey, how now, wagwan, iz ow, niaje, koro, yamune, kuhana atia and hello to all!!!!!!

Yeah yeah yeah, we know…its been too long since we wrote to you guys, and i believe you all need and deserve an explanation. This is it…Eddie had run dry on stories and decided to try out a Christian Amanpour for all y’all…..if you don’t know what that means, lemme explain. Christian Amanpour is that CNN lady, top reporter who jumps from one crisis to another….bombing in Middle East, she’s there. Crisis in darfur, there. Blow jobs in the white house, there. Burst sewer in Muthurwa…there!!! Ala!!!! As long as there’s bodily fluid being poured shes there! So our own Eddie tried out one of these and went up into the North of Nigeria and was there for a week plus. He will write to y’all soon. Me, i went to beautiful Nairobi to handle some personal stuff, and while there i swore off technology…i relaxed the old way, like my ancestors…..under a tree drinking those murky waters from Ruaraka in copious quantities (beer for the newbies)

This is the way to relax. I know this because the inventors and “wise men” of yore came up with a lot of wise sayings and inventions, discoveries and all this kind of shit this way. Look at the wise men in Mombasa…who else than an old drunk asswipe would come up with a saying like Bak bandika bak bandua??? sounds like illegal brew jibberish to me!!! Also think about shit like a white man saying shit like “the bullet that kills you is the one you dont hear” well its true, but what the hell???

Anyway, i was in sunny beautiful Nairobi and this is my story for today…..(although it probably wont be as great as Eddie Amanpour’s) Well, i arrived on a thursday, to be picked by my smaller bro, who invited me with an open beer…bless his heart! we had that one at the airport, and sped home. There, i dropped my bag, and we were off to look for an open bar, to celebrate my arrival (what?) any excuse to drink……Kenya!!!

Anyhow, had a number of drinks, you pick the number, but was nothing less than ten. Inebriation KENYAN style..he he he. slept and slept well guys. Next day i woke up and doled on my OGA suit and headed off to town……for what reason?? A quick cure for my AAAHDS!!!! Guys, Nairobi is blessed. As soon as i parked my car in town i was shocked by the ass erosion in Nairobi.

I was forced to sit on a pavement, people, just because of all the excellence of diab i saw!! All of it was there. Full moons, Half moons. Nice toosh, tight toosh, wobbly toosh, scary toosh!!! It was like i drove into heaven….in fact i kinda overdid my cure and developed a condition known as EIOATFA (pronounced e-i-o-a-t-f-a). but my people please dont panic…im back in Nigeria and another day here, it’ll balance, and i will be ok…..huh?? you wanna know what EIOATFA is?? It’s a condition that you develop pwhen you spend all day outside the Hilton Nairobi, looking at women’s posteriors…….it means Extreme Inundation Of All That Fine Ass!!

Listen, the ass in Nairobi is just awesome. This i saw all over the place. Everywhere you turn, a fine ass!!! i invite all 9ja boys to come see for yourselves..When you die and go to heaven, you’re probably gonna end up in Kenya!!!! he he he. Anyhow, i was walking around dressed like and Oga, holding my phones and holding my head up, trying to ignore the “wildlife” around me, and i decided to visit a boy of mine. I arrived and knocked at his office, mother bitch came out, sized me up in my get up………..and said the one thing i didnt expect to hear………listen i thought he’d say “wow dude, that shit is off the hizzle to the shizzle…better recognizzle!!!!” But the sumumabitch only asked calmly “why are you trying to dress like Jesus?” IMAGINE??? At this point readers, I ask the Big Question,

Thank you for participating. We will read out the results after this!

So the guy  totally deflated my slightly inflated ego, and i proceeded to storm out of the place like a gay little bitch, screaming like a litle girl!!! Damn you MR. Moreez!!!!! yeah i said it!!!

At this point i can only think of one person to make me feel great, she’s he queen of my heart, my pillar, my support, and the reason i am who i am…..J you know who you are!! I headed over to her house, and waited like a kid waiting for that first puppy!! An hour later, she came and we proceeded to **$#%@$%^@^@#$%&@$%%^#^^&**%#^*@$%!##^*#R$%&#$^@#$%!&^&*#%^%!%#$%&!

He he he he! this is only friday, and i have all this down…. you all are lucky! So went on to joing some of my mates later on at the pub, Nairobi pubs are great, always smell of roast meat, guys acting cool, ladies acting hoyty toyty, some boys acting like idiots….aaaahhhhh i’m home!!!! Nice.

Had a great time drinking and trading war stories…under a tree!!! I shit you not…….till the wee hours of the morning! Drove off to the house, not forgetting to buy a half  “porno” chicken from Kenchick, and was in bed early…..on Saturday!! Goodnight Kenya, thanks for the lovely welcome…..

Next time……..Chilling with the Original Homeboys!…….

Great to be back guys…..


Night Crawler

•November 24, 2008 • 2 Comments


Seems like I am officially the entertainment reporter (don’t tell Eddie)

I have a problem, in Nigeria, people have a tendency to hide during the day, and appear at night like somalis and raise ruckus. This i know coz on saturday, my phone was quiet the whole day, and suddenly at like 11 it started ringing and threatening to explode…the zombies were up, and at my gate, inviting me to a night out, starting at a project fame eviction party (yes, the MTN west africa project fame)

An inner battle started inside me, to go or not to go, that was the question. but I’m from the hizzle, I wasn’t brought up to fear booze, nor darkness. I jumped out of bed and was dressed in like two seconds!!! Don’t judge me, i am not addicted, but why stay in when i can go see Lagos at night??? Where do you think ill get stories for y”all?? JUDGERERS!! or is it judgeists, judges??????? im confused.

Anyhow, circa Saturday 11.02: Out of the gate into the blaring headlights of my friend’s friend’s car. no cold, no breeze, tell Eddie i will be back in a few……..little do i know!!!

2310 hrs: arrive at the venue of the eviction party. Yes it is that near. walk in and the place is set well, ambience great, lighting excellent, and even have a bed on one side!!!!! SODOM!!!! i am shocked but curious…..he he he. Why the bed??? The place is empty.. aiii! is it not 2316 hrs now? Isn’t there a party here? the signs are up, where are the inebriants???? is it only in Kenya where its acceptable to be intoxicated and smelling of nyama choma and kachumbari (roast meat and………..kachumbari for the west africans) by 12 noon??? i feel lost.

2311 hrs : Walk over to the counter, like Lagos big boy….”How much for a Large Heineken” i ask. “Oga sir, e no dey” the barkeep replies. “Wetin?” i retort, not sure im saying the right thing. “e small one dey oga sir”, visibly perplexed barkeep answers. “Why you no dey have large am for am? I wan drink o, and i no have time..abeg how much small one cost oooh?” i say. “One thousand Naira sir” the guy says. “Ah ah!!!” Blow to the nads!!!Emasculated, i retreat saying “i no go drink am, keep am”

2321 hrs: Me and my boy leave the bar leaving the guy with the car…he has a job to do at the venue…. i’m not about to spend that amount of money for a Lil ass bloody heiney! Its not worth it. the guy suggests we go to a bachelor party just a street away. Like ninjas, we smooch the air and jump into the taxi. (ok i know the ninja bit is inappropriate at this juncture but when will i ever use it?” let me be). We start Lagos’ favourite passtime with the driver….Bargaining!!! My guy doesn’t know where the place is, so i, with my big head, proceed to take charge ” Club 007 oga, how much” I ask batting my eyelids..he he he “oga sis hundred (six hundred for the East Africans) the cabbie says. “Tufia mmm!!! abeg e just here o, 200 Naira” i say. “aaaahhhh Oga, taxi no be okada” the driver says. we bargain for a while and settle for 400. he he he. Lagos

2337 hrs: We arrive at the bachelor party, there’s a cameraman videoing the event from outside!!! Who the hell records a bachelor party!!! Already i know I’ve been brought to a late night tea party…Wish i’d brought my scones. We enter the place, and i must admit, the place is done pretty well. Nice decor, large enough space for dancing, but the only thing i didn’t like is the volume!!! too loud!!!!!

2341 hrs: Today i don’t feel like drinking (read if the beer is too expensive i will not drink today), I trudge to the bar. “how much for warm Heineken” i shout. “say?” the barkeep says. Agitated i ask for water. Damn this communication breakdown…..The night threatens to bore me. I throw away the water, grab 1000 from my wallet and shove it into the barkeeps hand “HEINEKEN FOR AM!!!!!!” He hands me one cold one and i sip it….aaahhhhh the night has began


Suddenly, the night looks brighter. Asante heineken, ni wewe tu!

2343 hrs- I don’t quite know: Loud music, smoke, dancing…its shaping out well. Now, guys ive been too observant, trying to get stories for you all, and i don’t know if this is the reason i noticed this. The women here seem to be in it the same in Kenya? the women seem more aggresive dancers, and seem to lead the men. i don’t know man!!!! This is 6 ways of weird. The girls are in full control. HWAAA!! they swing themselves, HAAAA! the men move out the way!!! Strange. Also , no strippers or naught girls at the bachelors party…BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

6 Heineken later (who cares what time it is?): Woozy, tipsy? My boy and i decide to go back to the eviction party. we go out, and jump into yet another cab. about 50 meters into the cab ride, we get to a roadblock.. A light shines into the cab and i hear a rude voice say “on your inner light“. I burst out laughing… By now, dear reader, you should know that means the cop want the driver to switch on the cab’s inner light. This pidgin!!!

anyhow, we make it well into the other party which is jamming like hell. A couple of Kenyans are in this party…refreshing. party till late, oblivious of the fact that my pal was flying out next day at 9. He he he…im not worried, it ain’t me who’ll fly with a doozy of a hangover!!!!!

Anyway, the night comes to a brill end, i go back to bed, hoping he will make it to the airport on time. Goodnight Lagos, i have enjoyed thee well this evening!!!

More on the weekend coming soon…


Beware 419

•November 19, 2008 • 2 Comments

What is uppity???

Well after my brief hiatus from expressing my experiences on this our blog, im back with another fascinating, yet confusing story. It is a story on Nigerians doing 419 business. For all of you who still haven’t learnt to do research, 419 is the art that has been perfected by Nigerian Yahoo! boys. These are the letters you get in your inbox from the likes of; Salami Nawali, Sito Mbeki, Nta Kudinya, Uta Tombwa, Ntakuingisha Kidole Rasa, Ugali Namboga and many others. They always have a sob story about a spousal death or something, or some disaster and they have some nice inheritance, and they’re looking at sending money to you so you can invest it with them.

Aaahhh now I am seeing recognition on your faces. These emails are sent by these Yahoo! boys(all right class, anyone wanna tell me why they’re called Yahoo! Boys?) and do you know, many people fall for it, and I have been shown houses here in Lagos that belong to these guys. HUGE ASS houses, built like castles, all from this type of fraud. I’m not here telling you not to believe that you email was randomly picked by a machine up in Baltimore, or Venice, and you are entitled to 1.5 million Pounds. You believe what you want. But woe to you when you end up like George W bush…Homeless… the way, where will GWB live??? CNN has failed us thus far

so anyway, these boys are always so well dressed, in tight shirts showing off their nipples on a hot day, and chains around their necks, like branded cows, or kept dogs. They drive fancy cars, and have blaring music out the same little cars. I was once lucky enough to be introduced to one of these guys, and he guided me on how to make money off of a sucker. He trained me on the art of Yahoo!ism and I think I have it. Let me now try and write one for you.

P.S: you always have to check the spelling errors in the Yahoo! Messages. Its abhorable

Dear sir, madam, professor, father, chief, esquire, doctor, Excellency, honor,

Please don’t be surprise on receipt of this message, I sent it directly to you and I meant no harm at all, though we are both stragers but it doesn’t matter anything as far as I trusted you. I am Mr.Anthony Migui,the From Nairobi Kenya. Also I am also a victim of he firing finger of one CEO of a show on business that aired some time back. For more infonashon visit this site: http://www.walinivutakaziovyoovyo/hakunaubaya/nimezoea.htm. Moreover, before the sudden firing,I had a net worth of the sum of US$ 0.0000003 with several Bank and no other person outside the banks know about this account or any thing concerning it. It is with this in mind that I now decided to make this business proposal to you,so that you will feel sorry for a brother, and you will surely help me out of this my kwagmaya. I am a Kenyan in need of yua accistance, assistantation, assys…argghhh help, in order to for me live good life of mine with help of you. Furthermore, as soon as you confirmed the total help by you successfully,I will name my entire family after your family in the percentage of help gifen. Please Indicate Your Capability and Readiness On This One In A Live Time Opportunity to help a nedy brother.Upon receipt of your positive response, I will furnish you with more details on how we should go for the release of the fund to you as the beneficiary. I am waiting for your urgent response to enable us concludes this transaction without any delay. Thanks in advance for your co-operation!

Please send me

No of spinach pledged,

Amount of mandazi prepared to send

And others as soon as pocssible

Your’s Sincerely,

Mr Anthony Migui


Do you know, some people will fall for such a letter. Ha! This life na wa o!!!

Have a grand day my people


Weekend in Lagos

•November 17, 2008 • 2 Comments


i don come back o. don’t vex for me, we don get too much work for office, we no have time for update web blog ooo.

How are y’all doing? hope all well. here in the sunny Lagos, we’re doing well. We were just hard pressed to update the blog due to pressures at the office, but i have stolen a few minutes off to say a bit of how the weekend was.

Friday was a funny day for us. We had the African attire on, and I’m telling you, everyone was turning heads and saying “hello chairman”, “My oga how you dey??” In fact, how do they know whether Eddie (or me) had torn underwear and socks on?? Respect unlimited. he he he. But im telling you, that day, guys and gals who never spoke to us were calling us all kind of respectful names…maybe we should make a habit of that!!!

evening came kinda early, like every Friday, at around 1 P.M. As usual , i don’t joke with food on Fridays, so i had me rice, two pieces of chicken, three gizzards and a DIET sprite.(i don’t want to gain weight…so i drink diet drinks). All this so i can drink well in the evening…he he he Kenyans!!!

Went home through this place  – Mama Kass, an eatery that sells African dishes – walked over to the counter and what i saw made the little food left in my tummy quiver. started off with nice spaghetti, to jollof rice, fried rice then Smack!!! Snails!!! what the hell????? they were actually sliced in half, with some tomatoes on them….why do they do this to me???  I am now looking for this kinda sign to market to such hotels with similar food displays!!!!!




This is to warn them to be wary of what may be on display. Me i was shocked. Anyone Feel Me? imagine seeing snails in Nandos, next to the Steak and Kidney Pie… go shock me like this abeg?

Anyhow, i still bought spaghetti again and gizzards………its good food…what? Headed home and had the feast of chicken innards. cannibalistic yeah!!!

around 9 some Kenyans came to the Hotel, now these guys can drink like fish, as usual. We Kenyans tend to emulate a childhood cartoon that was popular in Kenya called Bogi Benda..the guy could drink!!!!

we then went out, and as usual ended up at Soul Lounge, where i had yet another Long island ice tea. This club is posh o! I’m telling you! They have sweets on the tables, for customers, which i pick, despite the fact i don’t eat sweets. I remember staring down one waitress coz of putting all the sweets in my pocket, then it was Saturday morning. i have stopped with those Ice teas!!!

So saturday was boring, nothing happened, just lay in bed watching TV. I really need a social life. got to read up on some assignment from work….Boring…….i should make up a story, like i was walking to the shop and saw a man jerking off in a phone booth…wish i was that creative. he he he

Sunday however was a different thing altogether. Action from morning till evening. Was woken up by a hungry colleague at 9 A.M, to wlak them to Mama Kass AGAIN!!! for breakfast. this colleague of mine is also dey crase! They (he or she) had pounded yam and fish for breakfast. 9JA!!!

Anyhow, i spent the day moving from house to house, visiting, and being introduced to guys. Nigerians are sooooo cordial and hospitable! i was so impressed by how they’d receive me, acting genuinely interested. Unlike some Kenyans! The worst thing is that each Nigerian house has Red WIne. So i was offered wine in each house, and being Kenyan, i couldn’t refuse. INEBRIATION GALORE!!!

We, (me and my colleague) then decided to go visiting in the mainland, and Na Wa for us….we got into a spot of trouble…..a story for another day…. I eventually got home at 10, got into bed, ran through my weekend in my brain, and conclusion……Life in 9ja is not toooooooooo bad.


HOOT!!!!! And the miracle button

•November 14, 2008 • 3 Comments
9ja Boys

9ja Boys

Good people!!!

How far my people?? That’s Nigerians for how are you doing. You all should have seen how Eddie and I messed up with the answer. See, when a guy asks you “how far?” you answer “I dey o!” I remember Eddie once answering, “Well, it’s near the Indian ocean in East Africa” imagine the look of bewilderment on Tolu’s face!!!

Anyhow, obviously, we’re now 9ja boys, in fact, we’re dressed the part even, as seen above!!! Snazzy huh? Today, we must chop eba abeg (eat fufu food). We most probably will have to eat that with their vegetable stew that has FISH BONES in it. Now we all know if someone tells you that the food on the plate is sukumawiki (or kales for the non East Africans) to be eaten via a steaming mass of starch, that means the game is open….eat like a homeless guy with your hand. Try that here and you’ll get injuries in your mouth, and even hands from bloody fish bones!

So today I tell you of the wonder button. I pray that this button NEVER gets to Kenya. Here, it’s virtually impossible to think on the road. Every time you try thinking on the road in Lagos, this is the output you get…”DUUUUUHHHHHHH” I’m telling you. All this is because of the wonder button.

INTRO- The wonder button was created by UYB Ltd (Under Your Butt), for the purposes of annoying people into action. This button has been bought far and wide in Lagos, and maybe the rest of Nigeria. It is what most people in the transport industry believe will get them to their destinations. It is the Horn in the seat Wonder Button.

I’ believe Nigerians are sharp people, and the Founder/President of UYB Ltd must have been a visionary extraordinaire! I guess he noticed that bending backwards to put your ass on the horn wasn’t going to work very well in modern society. So he made the button. And what a success. He can now retire early.

I guess by now I mean that the hooting here is INSANE!!! It’s like a taboo to not hoot. The roads here are full of mad drivers hooting like their lives depend on it. I just don’t get it! What happens to these learned people when they get behind the wheel? It’s like the car door is a portal leading to 1000 BC. Neanderthalic and primitive sense usurp common sense. They hoot and hoot and hoot!!!!! If there’s a spot of traffic – peep peep peep!!! Kai! I can’t live like this. People need to stop this. Today I got onto an Okada and the second he started moving, the bugger started hooting like crazy!!! ON AN EMPTY STREET!!! Was it necessary you ask??? NO!!!!! What was he hooting at??? the flies??? AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Maybe these guys have delusions of grandeur!!!!!

Damn you founder of UYB, Damn you

Have a quiet stroll today and say a prayer for Eddie and me, Kenyans in the middle of noisy chaos!


•November 13, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Communication Breakdown!!!! paragasha and hunger!

•November 13, 2008 • 3 Comments

Morning all.

Today is a rare day in Lagos, its overcast with slight chances of showers….he he he…I feel like a weather reporter…Nguata Francis!! Anyway it’s off to a very dull day, the sun hasn’t even peeped yet through the clouds…the influence of this is even clear in the office. Everyone’s dull as the color grey!

But it’s good to have another day to talk to my people, and pass on my experiences to y’all because me I fail to understand some things. This day I will talk of the communication barrier between guys, predominantly in the service industry, and Eddie and I.

So the other day at the hotel, I was resting in bed and I got thirsty. I then decided, “Let me have a drink”. I proceeded to call room service and I KNOW I said I wanted APPLE juice. Easy peasy! No problem they said. Ten minutes later (what service) I heard a knock on the door, opened and there stood the waitress, holding a bottle of SPRITE….APPLE JUICE – SPRITE??? I don’t get easily annoyed so I explained to her I wanted apple juice. She left I assumed to get the juice.

Ten minutes after the gaffe, still nothing. I called again and asked after my juice, and I was told “Sir, I thought you said no juice”. Patiently I said I would like some juice. Five minutes later, here is the same girl, with PINEAPPLE and MANGO juice. At this point I would even have settled for POISONED juice….I was thirsty. I accepted and signed for it albeit begrudgingly.

Isolated event?? Unlikely!!!!! See, the lingua here is totally different from the one in East Africa. Back home don’t means don’t right??? Another day I remember saying “I don’t want Africa magic on my TV screen” I was subjected to hours of idikoko and indumule for the whole night (and this movie with a midget and a normal sized girl, who were in love,….plus a romantic scene….this is a story for another day)……anyway I think the guy heard “I don want Africa Magic” which loosely translates to I WANT AFRICA MAGIC. Pidgin sucks!!!

The peak of this language disparity and confusion, the reason I decided to write about it, was what happened to me yesterday at the cafeteria at work……. Please listen to me before leaving this blog…….pay attention……. So I’m in the cafeteria line, and I spot this really good looking piece of fried drumstick. I hold off all competition in the line to acquire said piece, and an extra piece of chicken armpit…or is that wing…I don’t know…..and some jollof rice…YUMMY!!! Anyhow, the food is in buffet style setting, but it’s cold. This is the norm…I’m used to it. I then go to the cafeteria side window, pass the plate in, and say to the guy, whilst sending a text, “heat my food for me” (obviously, implied, in the microwave) I continue sending my text, finished, only to see an acquaintance on the line beside me. I proceeded to strike a conversation with him, and then five minutes later, I realize my food hadn’t come back from the microwave.

I asked after the guy I had given the plate to and they pointed him out to me. The guy was seated in the farthest corner of the cafeteria kitchen, grin on face, napkin in collar, knife and fork in hand…..EATING MY FOOD FOR ME!!!!


Hungry Anthony

Quantum of Nonsense – The movie

•November 12, 2008 • 3 Comments

It’s not good to repeat oneself over and over, but the pepper in the food is a bit too much. I’m suffering!!!Did I leave home so suffer???

Anyhow, it’s another HOT morning down here in the wonderful land of Lagos, where things happen BY FORCE.

i was on my way to the office, so as usual i stopped an okada rider……maybe I’m going too fast. Let me teach you guys the lingua, and culture.

Ok, the best way to get around Lagos, if you don’t already know, is on a motorbike, which these guys call Okada. Here’s the funny bit. To call an okada, you have to make a kissing sound at them, and they stop. I know all of you are wondering what I mean, but you know, pucker up, and kiss the air…that’s it…good. Now back to my story

I was on my way to the office, so all dressed up, I stood on the street looked around and made one loud smooch sound, as would make Okonkwo jealous!! Two okada boys screeched to a halt, and I obviously went with the one who offered me a cheaper ride. Ok these guys ride like maniacs. The matatu drivers in Kenya have nothing on these idiots. So the ride is always exhilarating.

This morning I have to confess that cheap is expensive. As you know, I chose to ride the cheaper one, but little did I know that the rider idiot was a bit high! The guy was switching lanes and cutting traffic, you’d think he’s Valentino fucking Rossi. We now got to a junction and this is where the movie began. Quantum of Nonsense!!! Did I tell you how foolish these guys are? My rider wanted to join the road, but other riders didn’t want him to pass, so AGIDI rules….AGIDI is thorax thumping, till one backs down. My guy, the idiot, decided to join the road, without thought or consideration, while another from the main road decided he wouldn’t allow it….WHAM!

My first okada accident. The guys now got off the bike and started shouting at each other, me and the other passenger, left to balance the bike. The two guys must have been from the same tribe because there was a lot of native language being tossed about. I heard “eee yee”, “waka” (which means “your mother”), “olodo” (“idiot” or “big fool”) and many other statements. The one thing I noticed is that the more heated the argument became, the farther the two of them got…he he he….Vitisho! I heard one threat that made me happy – “I go scatter bottles kill you finish” What??

Imagine I had to stand there and listen to this endless exchange of threats and counter threats for six odd minutes…imagine how funny it looked to the guys driving by in cars…a man, in a suit, with a laptop, legs spread-eagled, fighting to hold a bike upright. I’m ashamed!!!

After threats and counter-threats, my guy came a muttered a “sorry sir” and proceeded to take me to the office, where he demanded 10 naira extra for the delay! @#** who delayed who???

Maybe I need to get a car, but with what money?

Life in 9ja.


Aggression is progression

•November 11, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Now you may often wonder why Nigerians are so loud and unnecessarily aggressive when in Kenya or other countries away from their home, I have the answer.  Nigerians have excessive pride and elongated self importance, this trait stretches across all socio economic levels and gender bridges.  Shakara, as it’s popularly known, is the cause of this effect.

Back home, a man is respected or labelled a gentleman based on his gentle nature, here a man wins a similar prestigious title, chairman, for being loud and aggressive.  Picture this, you are in an office cafeteria, you go across the counter and there are several smartly dress learned men and you lean across the counter and tell the lady serving you “May I please have a coke and biscuit.”  The next thing you know some bloke has pushed you from behind and shouts “Give me coke!” And what is more heinous is the fact that he gets served before you do…why, because he showed the person serving him that he is more important that they are so they were obliged to honour his request.  If this happed in Kenya, the latter customer would be ignored favouring the much polite client; but not in Naija.

To be fair, the service industry is crap!  You are often served by untrained, rude, arrogant and often moronic waitresses…believe it or not, you are much better served by a man than a woman, so you sometimes need to ‘put her in her place’ to get good service otherwise you shall just rot on your seat.  I have, unfortunately, developed that habit.  I no longer say ‘please’ but ‘give’ or ‘bring’ or when I really want to assimilate ‘Make you bring’.  Please be for foreigners, who never get served.  Please is for beggars, who have no money…if you are a chairman, and oga, you demand not ask.

So when our poor brothers leave their boarders and arrive at more civil society they still maintain this mind frame and aggression becomes the order of the day, so be more understanding.


Money can’t buy love, but who needs love…

•November 11, 2008 • 5 Comments

Dating in Lagos is a most fascinating affair.  Unlike Nairobi ladies who look into a future or temporary mates potential, looks, charm, wit (okay, enough about me) here it’s all about the money.


The first thing a lady spots are your garments!  These are your advocates of pecuniary comfort and speak volumes.  Now, being a humble Kenyan boy & our passion for second-hand clothes, one can clearly tell how well I fail to impress on this preliminary.  However, those fortunate enough to score mammoth points, above Eddie, get the attention of the lady & are receptive to further analysis of the said wooer. 


Fast forwarding to the date, you are expected to pick her..oh, you must have a car!  Another reason I surrender to the ‘Keyan boy no money’ club.  I think they have special ways to deduce who drives & who doesn’t..dusty shoes or faded soles I suspect.  Anyway, you pick her up, in a car that is no older than 2007, otherwise you are a ‘ye-ye’ boy (Eddie in pidgin).  Some blokes go to the extent of hiring a car just to take a girl on a date.  I get to work on an okada (motorbike taxi) so am not eligible.  Once you get to your destination, expensive place without mention, she shall order the most expensive meal…HALT…this is also a propensity held by several Nairobi ladies that I have been on dates with.  The woman cannot even pronounce it but shall order for it, why, because she is playing black jack..the highest number wins, except she is not using cards but the menu.  Back to Lagos, the lady then orders champagne, the bottle.  You see, life in Lagos is ostentatious.  In Nairobi you go to a restaurant and order a glass of wine, here you buy the bottle.  You cheap Kenyans buy beer, we Naija folk purchase bottles of Hennessy, so a lady asking for a bottle of Moet is no wahala (no problem).  When the bill comes, you, the man, are the one to pay it.  Dare you suggest you split the bill, all sorts of abuses shall be hurled at you in a not so modest volume.  You shall then drop her home & wave goodbye..not even a kiss or hug, just a wave. 


 Now the beauty about dating in Lagos is daft guys get laid!  You don’t have to be intelligent, charming, piled with etiquette or even philosophical…just flash your money and you are in.  Ladies in Lagos have plenty shakara (inane pride) and the men dance to every beat of it.


We poor okada riding Kenyan boys just sit and watch for our wallets cannot afford the luxury of a Lagos lady.

Frustrations…from AAAHDS

•November 11, 2008 • 6 Comments

Work is great. Challenging, but great. I’m loving every minute of it, but if it were not for the work, i think id have already pulled out whats remaining of my hair…..not that I’m bald, but i cut my hair real low…you evil people!!! Damn you for thinking I’m going bald!!!!

So let me pontificate the reasons I’m frustrated.I’m from Kenya, and some things are imprinted in my DNA and here, im lost. I cannot function any more, I feel like my life is being sucked out of me bit by bit…..guys I’m suffering from AAAHDS!!!

I walk the streets of Lagos every day, going out to eat, to buy units for my phone, or even to relax my brain from the heavy workload at work. But, i am really missing some therapy that Kenyan mean know about, and willingly subscribe to…Me, ill put this out there for everyone, anyone who has a problem, please feel free to fly down to Lagos and knock my block off.

Picture this, you’re walking down the streets, bored or even tired. Guys, what makes you happy? what makes you feel like “well this day wasn’t a total waste???” Come on y’all…what is this phenomenon that makes guys walk three kilometers in the wrong direction?? what is this that is giving me this nasty affliction of AAAHDS???……anyone?…..any guesses?…… its the wonderful world of nyash, tush, booty, etc.

Let me introduce you to my disease. AAAHDS was first discovered in 2,000,000 BC by this dude Adam. it is the reason he asked for a partner. the guy was walking in the jungle randomly naming creatures like mosquito, orangutang,  duck billed platypus(what?? is there a normal billed platypus? i don’t know), salamander tazmanian devil, and all kinds of questionable names, but he still wasn’t fulfilled. There was something missing…..he was the first victim of AAAHDS….Acute Ass And Hips Deficiency Syndrome!!!!

I’m not saying the women in Nigeria aren’t hot, they are, But they lack that East African combo. Women from home are both beautiful, and Bootyful. Men, stop laughing. its true!!! Aki!!! The women here are slim and tend to emulate American type bodies, and also i think all the pepper they eat burns the hips off. In fact once i was wondering how a girl can dress up, put on makeup, check herself in the mirror, then leave home without wearing her hips or nyash… I myself am a true African man. I admire voluptuous bodies (like my baby’s). Here I’m telling you there is none. I have been on the street some, but i am yet to see this wonderful creation here. I have been having withdrawal symptoms…shudders, hallucinations (which actually aren’t too bad….i see booty all over for like two minutes) and i think I’m gonna go into anapalyctic shock soon if i don’t get a visual fix!!! I’m now appealing to this blog, anyone who has a permanent cure for AAAHDS, please contact me, and save me 1000 USD in airfare all the way to Kenya for a fix.

Gotta start working now, will talk later.

Thank you for listening to my rant.


Banking and shopping. Its in the Plastic

•November 10, 2008 • 4 Comments

I was amazed when I first went to the bank to get some much needed cash. As I was in line I could see a number of people receiving paper bags, like the ones you get from Uchumi after purchasing a small item like toothpaste or for those who practice safe sex, very encouragable, several condoms. The bags were an opaque blue and were dished out with hidden contents. It was only when I got close to the counter that it dawned on me…it was ‘packs’ of money being packed in the paper bags!

I took a moment to reflect how this disposition would play out in Kenya, especially after the plastic bags ban & ever scrupulous thugs watching every individual entering a bank. It would be rather easy to ‘spot the cash’ as you would be walking with a pile of dosh wrapped in newspaper or those brown paper sheets they use in supermarkets these days…thugs would have a time of their life! Furthermore should the bank wish to brand the bags they use to wrap your money, one shall wonder if they are being paid by the thugs to make their work easier.

For bulk deposits, one packs their money in sacks or sisal bags often used by curio traders. You often need 3 people to deposit large amounts of cash; 3 to carry and 2 to empty the bag.

I am in the process of inventing a cash suitcase: portable and secure. I shall call it the Naira on Wheels Bag… Carry your Naira in comfort and security because a comfortable Naira is a healthy Naira!


Drinking, sleeping and shopping

•November 10, 2008 • 3 Comments

Now the weekend was upon us, and in true fashion of a Kenyan, why would i pass without having some tipple, at least till i get woozy, giddy and tipsy(drunkd)!!!!

Went to a snazzy bar in Shoprite mall, or is it the palms?? Soul Lounge its called. Its really well designed, i must admit I’m impressed at the interior decor, although the place is small, kind of like Crooked Q’s in Kenya, on the west strip! Place was packed, music was sick, rhymes are phat… Had a Long island ice tea…that sumbitch always knocks me out..but i held my own….for a while though….and by the way, here, drinks in the club are expensive….my choice of drink, Heineken costs 800 Naira!!! back home the same thing would be 120 Shillings….CAN YOU IMAGINE???? i should stop drinking….but i WON’T, Thank you.

Oh Eddie was at home, i guess tired from the weeks work…next time remind me to drag him along. What Kenyan sleeps early on Friday night?? I’ll talk to the boy. Someone please help me talk to him.

Left the bar and went home (don’t even know how). slept. Let me tell you about Nigeria, the people respect a closed door. i got no visitors on Saturday, so i recuperated well, no one trying to convince me to drink again to get over the hangover…Yes Kenyans believe in “fight fire with fire”. Uneventful Saturday…but really relaxing!!!

Sunday.Eddie and I decide to go to the Shoprite, or is it the Palms?? for a spot of shopping coz the heat here dictates regular regiments of re-hide-ration – this is locking yourself in and drinking plenty of fluids- we went around shopping for stuff, saw some really good shirts and stuff, but they’re expensive as hell (if you are still in Kenyan mode) ill explain more later. WE then went to the supermarket and bought some drinks…then saw something that shocked me. This lady in front of me had done some shopping and the stuff barely filled 5 polythene bags but her bill was 25,000!!!!! Crazy huh? I expected her to now pay using debit or even credit card…shock on mine and Eddie’s diab (toosh, nyash etc)! The woman then proceeded to unleash a bundle…yea a bundle of cash, and started counting with the speed of one of those cash counting thingamajigs! Eddie was in shock, me, flabbergasted. This would never happen in Nairobi, i think thieves back home can just smell the money in your purse. but anyway we were shocked, Eddie even took a photo. Is this the norm.

Conclusion, here, cash rules. Clearly technology takes a back seat in dealings!!!


Craziness in the food

•November 7, 2008 • 5 Comments

Let me say at this point that Eddie and I have settled in well here, but some better than others.. This Eddie has the adaptability of a chameleon in the bloody jungle!!!! He reminds me of Jason Bourne!! ha ha ha

I may sound a bit bitter at him, but its true. See the guy will comfortably have PEPE soup (pepper soup), which is really hot here. I now took his advice last night and I’m livid!!! i took that soup and what happened to me is not even funny….

The issue here is that when you jump from an East African pallette into a West african one, please bring some ICE!!! I know what I’m talking bout. I do need the ice myself. I am in so much pain.

The food here is good, very nutritious, as can be seen from the sizes of these people…but why so much pepper? as a lagosian would ask “is it by force?” MADNESS

im not ragging on the food, but its not fair. now guys i have to sign off, coz i have to run to the loo to shell oops, to organise my ablutions!

Damn you Eddie, Damn you


Lagos life through a nairobian’s lens

•November 7, 2008 • 5 Comments

Anthony Njagi and Eddie Mbugua are ‘Kenyan boys’ living and working in Lagos.  We decided that it would be highly educative and entertaining to describe our experiences & observations of Lagos vis-a-vis Nairobi, our home. 

We do not claim that one city is better than the other or more desirable, just highlighting the differences and similarities that make us a dynamic people, and grater people.

A professional Nigerians day begins @ 4am. Depending on where you live, the CBD is on an island, Victoria Island, and its bloody expensive to live there so most opt to stay on mainland & commute daily to island; petrol is almost 60 bob so its affordable.

For those living on mainland, have to leave house at 5am to beat the notorious traffic on the 3rd Mainland bridge which if unfortunate to be caught in can last up to 2 to 3 hours. Those on island leave home around 7am to avoid traffic too.

On arrival to the office, you are meet with several greetings, Nigerians believe strongly in social etiquette- the hawkers selling credit, the guards, the lift coordinators, those you meet on corridor, those in your department, those in different departments all wish you a good morning & you reciprocate accordingly.

Once in ur deptmnt, morning salutations are exchanged and 10 mins before work begins a hymn or two are sang & then prayers are said. The deptmnt pray for boss, for work & for success daily.  This is done throughout the bank.  After prayer its work work work, depending  on ur deptmnt you either start 7:30am or 8am to either 6pm or 10pm.

Nigerian professionals are very hardworking & possess gr8 discipline, respect & value integrity.  Its so sad that a handful of pple tarnish this fact. Having been here a week I find myself happy to reporting to work daily because each member of the bank, no matter the level, is made to feel appreciated & wanted . Unlike most of the companies I’ve worked for in Kenya, Nigerians conjure the best from their employees by reward, respect & ensuring a happy atmosphere for their staff: I often freely walk into our Md’s office & he forever has a smile for those he meets.  Humility, as my sagacious Mum told me, is crucial to ones success.

Nigeria is faced with great challenges, power being a major one- we sometimes  go without power for 3 days consecutively, crazy traffic (can take you 2 hours to get from town to Yaya), insecurity BUT the people’s humility, sincerity, etiquette , joy & self worth wipes these challenges clean.

I asked a colleague why there is such contrast between Nigerians  in Nigeria & out of Nigeria & he said those who misbehave are those who couldn’t keep up with the fast pace & demand of the Nigerian market & should not be regarded as representatives of the population.  I fully agree.


My cousin from Shags

•August 14, 2009 • 1 Comment

Have I told you about my cousin from shags who shrubs like mad (Shrabba Ranks). Today I remembered a story he told me. One day, he got his dad really mad. As n very very mad, and he really loved his dad. He came to my house later and tole me “nimekosea dad. Niritaka nimtaftie wibo nimudedicatie kwa ledio nimwabie soli(sorry). saas nimepata wibo ire inafaa kabisa kwa hii mabo, ya kusema soli kwa dad” he then proceeded to remove a CD from his bag, went to the CD player, put it in, clicked song number three, and the song that played made me fall flat on my face with laughter. Do you know which song he played, and was clutching his chest in remorse during the chorus???

Westlife’s SOLIDAD!!!



•August 14, 2009 • 1 Comment

Ladies and Gents,

well, we have to apologise for the long silence since we had our blog updated. this is due to the fact that Ed and I had taken on the biggest projects of our lives, MARRIAGE!!!! but that is all done and we are both hapily married, and enjoying it. But whatever you have heard about marriage is fake. They say that after marriage sex goes down?? Lies……Blogging is what goes down.

Anyway, we have been to Kenya and back two times(ED) and three times(ME) since April. We are now back in Lagos and fully entrenched in the Lagos way of life. Things keep getting weird here, but we are getting by.

Now the other day i was with my pals at a hang out place, in Mega Plaza, having some of those frothy liquids, and exchanging useless banter about things that never happened,when the weirdest thing happened. One guy came to me and asked “are you happy about defaccing God’s house??” i was obviously taken aback, and drawn in at the same time…whatever did this man mean?? He pointed at my arms and i remembered…..the tattoos.

I told this man that it was a matter of choice and he sat me down, removed pamphlets from God knows where, and proceeded to preach Jehova to me. God, a Jehovah Witness!!!!! These people should be sent to Middle East to look for Osama. THEY ALWAYS GET YOU WHEN YOU CANT BE GOTTEN!!!

so the guy proceeds to show me verses against tattoos, and telling me about all their beliefs…….BUT he didnt know i had been waiting for this day!!!! See i had researched the Jehovah witness religion for a while, and had saved their 101 laws on my phone (please google them and see what they are). I let him finish, then when he asked me if i had any questions, i unleashed my HTC® phone (But do i say) and proceeded to show him the rules as i had saved them. I asked him about them and noticed the man was getting uneasy, and speaking Ibo, or was it Yoruba???? i could see he was not used to being questioned.

i read till number 38, and (and this is why i say these guys are weird) the guy stopped me and said, “what did you say number 27 was?” I looked down at the phone to scroll up, and i must have looked away for a second or three at most, and when i looked up, the guy had disappeared!!!! HOW I DONT KNOW..

He was gone, no sign of  him anywhere. Spontaneous combustion. aiiiii!!! I turned to my pals and shrugged it off. Well we stayed for like 1.5 hours there, and i had forgotten about him totally, when from up on the roof came the guy, shaking his head mumbling something under his breath, and he then headed to the toilet.

My question for today is, How fast did this man go up the roof?? How long was he gonna stay there??? What was he mumbling under his breath??? A prayer or curse???? Are they taught how to climb fences and trees at service?????


Look forward for more!!!

Use Protection you roaches

•May 14, 2009 • 5 Comments

Hello people. We have been so busy at the office, and with private issues, that weve not been able to update the site, but now things are slowing down, and so were back, though not with a bang, maybe a small plop like that last excrement landing in water. Well, for those who don’t know, in April, I got married to the love of my life, and was with her a long happy month before I came back to this place. Was a beautiful poolside wedding, with a garden reception, and the colour scheme was Black, pink and champagne.

Now gents, you all are wondering what colour champagne is. Well, this was the first argument me and the wife, who l love to death, had. See when we were planning the wedding, I was mostly in lagos and was being updated through email and phone calls. I remember one such phone call saying “babe, the wedding theme will be Pink, black and champagne”. Me I heard “the wedding theme will be pink, and wone lack champagne”. So you can imagine my ire when I found no champagne on site. Lol

Anyhow was a great day, and I will write more on it, as well as post photos for you all. Thanks for all the support.

Now, in may, I came back to my offshore home, and some things have to be said about what I found. The rains have started in Lagos, and enyewe the weather is more bearable, but some things are just happening now.

Now ladies and gents lemme give you saga. The rainy season has come with its own wahala. Dudus (insects for the Anglophones) have increased around the house, mpaka we have to fumigate the house soon. Sasa, yesterday while watching Army wives in bed (yes I watch army wives, and jana Getty died…I cried like an ass-n-all fan), I heard a rustling sound just next to my bed. I closed my eyes and prayed to God saying “Aki let it not be a rat God Aki!!!” I turned slowly, and took my emergency lantern I place next to the bed, and turned it on, juu switch ya stima iko far. Out the corner of my left eye (you see I have sport vision, and this is valuable to any CSI, which I am) I saw a movement. I jumped up, my privates swinging all over the place coz I was nude, and decided, “This is it!! D-day” I moved the bed side drawer, and what I saw shocked me. I saw two big ass cockroaches shagging!!!!!! Aki they were making noise!!!!! I took my slippers and slapped them to death. You see?? Upon further checking, I saw they were shagging without a condom. This is a moral story……..the moral being, USE PROTECTION!!!

Let me take it slow, will update another story tomorrow. Much luv guys

Anthony (The married one)

Nigeria…..Talk about a scapegoat!!!!

•January 26, 2009 • 5 Comments

Hello all,

Hope your weekend was great, me i had a wild one. Actually i was gonna update the blog with my shenanigans over the weekend, but as i got into the office i received an email that worried me….and i said i will share with my people.

Now, you guys say i make up stories and i lie about my experiences. Please know that the stories on the blog are 145% 890% 100% true OK 90% true. and we sometimes embellish, but not all the time…its called Writers Allowance…

The following story has deprived you all my inner thoughts, and is 100% true. Tell me how you can move on from this article. It is inane and ridiculous.

Goat detained over armed robbery

LAGOS (Reuters) – Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.
“The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,” Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.
“We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,” he said.
Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria , Africa ‘s most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.

Talk about a scapegoat!!!!

Maybe the thief turned into the straw…..or even one of the thugs had turned into the car and the rst were giving him some water!!!!



•January 23, 2009 • 3 Comments

Hello Dogs, and dogesses,

Well, heres another friday, full of hope and promise for all worldwide. This is the day that everyone wakes up smiling and dresses whistling, looking forward to 3.45 p.m when the weekend officially starts, knowing that theyre free to do anything they want at night coz tomorrow, we rest…(well, everyone except the seventh day adventists….ouch)

Every human being from Timbuktu to Kazakhstan, from Nairobi to Abidjan, and many other places gets an extra bounce in their steps on fridays….this is fantastic.

So i woke up this morning, waited as usual for the birds to start chirping, then……silence….in 9ja, they dont chirp for shit! Birds have to rush to bar beach to hassle for the worms. You remember the saying “the early bird catches the worm?”, well here in lagos its “the early bird gets first in line for the worm”. Life in lagos is about hassling, even the birds have cartels that own all the worms….either that, or where do all the birds go in the morning….i never hear chirping……as usual, i digress. Anyway, i dressed up, came downstairs, had a glass of WATER for breakfast, and dashed out to head to work.

Guys, i aint changed one bit….i moved house, but i still grab Okada to the office, only now i have my own okada boy. I called him, but the network here is messed up, so I had to walk. I got on an okada, and had to go through the ritual. Let me digress again…….In lagos, the most mistreated part of the boy is the head. The federal govt. has deemed it fit to make all wear a helmet when you “enter” okada. These helmets therefore are shared by the whole 25 million people in Lagos. so heres what you do when you want to “enter” okada

  1. Stand on the roadside and make a kissing sound in the air till an okada man stops near you.
  2. Fight with the man, arm wrestle, tickle fight, measure dick length, till you reach an agreeable price.
  3. “Enter” okada.
  4. Remove hadkerchief, polythene bag. stocking, serviette, newspaper page or anything that you may want to cover your head with.
  5. Wear 4. above on your head.
  6. Wear the helmet that the okada guy gives you…same helmet that was worn by conan, absalom, cain and any other person previously.
  7. Give directions and pray you get there soon

Now, the reason i said the head is most molested, is the one above…you share helmets, they use shoe brushes on your head in the barber shop, the sun hits your head direct injection……BAH!!!

You may or may not see that i’m actually bitter about this. BUT I AM!!!!  To hell with what you think. The reason im bitter is because after all the hassle and itches i got to the office, i saw this headline……


Researchers say they have developed a cream that might prevent herpes infection for as long as a week — a potentially big step in protecting women from the sexually transmitted infection.

The cream uses a new kind of therapy called RNA interference to turn off genes that the virus uses to invade cells, the researchers reported on Wednesday.

The cream, being developed by Massachusetts-based Alnylam Pharmaceuticals Inc, protected mice from herpes simplex 2, the virus that causes genital herpes………………………………..

These idiots are just promoting unprotected sex, coming up with chemicals that have RNA (what the hell) and they cant come up with a lotion, of a thingi that i can carry out of a pack and put on my head to protect it from UV, Barbers and helmets????? They can make condoms that “cant burst” (are these made by firestone?) and some that have the slogan “power is nothing without control” (pirrelli perhaps?)

i am pissed off. and on that note, i will go into imagine mode for a minute.

imagine if some of these companies made condoms….the slogans would be top notch…..imagine if it was:

  1. Coke condoms Have a condom, and a smile.
  2. Energiser condoms Keeps going and going….
  3. Nokia Condoms, Connecting people
  4. Chicken Republic condoms, Condoms for the masses (what?)
  5. The Punch condoms, The most widely used condoms.
  6. Firestone comdoms, where the rubber meets the broad
  7. Nike Condoms, Just do it
  8. Obama condoms, Yes we can, can we?

There are better things i could be doing with my time. sorry for the intrusion.

Have a great weekend all, and to all, GOOD friday.

By the way what was so GOOD about GOOD FRIDAY? isnt it the day that JESUS died? Why call it good???? They coould have gone with:

  1. Easter friday,
  2. Fateful friday,
  3. Unforgettable friday,
  4. OH MY GOD friday
  5. Greatest denial (peter) friday,
  6. The friday before the miracle,
  7. Freaky friday

Etc. I just dont get the bible. And the day Jesus rises isn’t GOOD MONDAY!!!!! How am i to move on from this????


Nigeria the motherland??

•January 20, 2009 • 3 Comments

Hi all , Yellow big here, I was wondering, during the Christmas period, down in Nyeri with my folks, ribs on the grill, beer in plenty…..aaahhhh….fresh air..oops i digress… i was wondering, what if Jesus had been born in Lagos? How would it have been? What would christianity have been like??? Take a ride with me, and see how it may have looked like.

Circa .75 B.C (yaba)- Mary is pounding yam for fufu, the angel appears “madam, you go get belle from somewhere abeg, no vex o. E don chose you carry his pikin (child)” he says. “Olodo, na me i no get husband. na wetin wahala be dis now? Abeg go” mary replies. “EEEEYAAAAA, me i don tell you.” poof, the angel disappears.

0 B.C, in Apapa…..Shepherds chilling, angel appears, “oga! how now? see eeh, make you follow that star sef, e go bring you carry go see son of man.” The guys stare back and ask each other…”e dey crase? Na what kind 419 be dis?” At this point, the angel is frustrated and pissed off. What kind of people are these? Patience…..”Ok, abeg, i don get letter from governor saying you go Adeyemo Alakija, see red building get alley for side, enter am you go see pikin na save world” he says……silence from the shepherds….then “anything for your friends sef” the men say. “ARRGGGHHHHH” the angel disappears.

Same time, Adeyemo Alakija, VI, “waaaaaa, waaaaaaa” baby crying. “Where is the semovita??” Mary says staring at Joseph, who replies..”abeg make i grab okada run park and shop buy vex ma!” “carry go” mary shouts. Three wise men show up, and take away all the gold, silver and myrrhh….Naija!!!!!!!

He he he he. Anyway, i havent hought farther than that, but i have thought of the disciples he would choose. I would guess their names as…..Oyemike, Abayomi, Magaji, Shekarau, Ukpo, Abimola, Abayomi, Jide, Kolajo, Opebiyi, Usonegbu and Judas. Seriously, who can replace Judas??? Imagine how it would be if the gospels were written by Magaji, Ukpo, Shekarau and Oyemike? “Lets open Oyemike 2:54….” i wouldnt he he he.

Im not saying that the Nigerians are evil people, but do you imagine getting scriptures like those 419 letters……they’d go like….” From the desk of Magaji…..please allow me spread message today to you about the rest of your life…..” All gospel would end up in deleted items or junk mail.

Lemme shut up…..if you want more, please just request and i will go on….dont mean to offend anyone…..he he he he he.

All of y’all, have a great day.

Ease up guys

•January 19, 2009 • 2 Comments


I’m even scared to write on this blog owing to the silence weve had since the holidays. Sincerely you have to understand that Eddie and I have been running up and down preparing for our cousin Barry’s Inauguration. We seriously have had no time….but now we’re back. i have towrite about my experinces as Barry’s cousin in this Lagos.

First off, the trip to the actual event tomorrow has been cancelled for Eddie and I because we didnt understand some questions at the embassy…..well, on the forms…..see, Eddie answered “yes please” on the ‘Sex’ field, and I, being the wiser, answered “Ewwwwww”. This is not even the worst part…we both were arrogant enough to DEMAND to see the ambassador, after the guy asked us why we thought we deserved to go down for the event….ARE WE NOT HIS COUSINS??? Bull whatever! Anyhow, we cancelled the whole thing.

So after the win, we have been labelled Princes (well, thats what we deem ourselves) and thus we have had a round table meeting with the Nigerians, and decided to let them have the African Cup of Nations, while we (Kenya) keep the world…semms like a fair trade!

Anyhow, after Barry won, we decided to move into a big ass house that befits our status. well, this may have been a mistake coz damn! Moving from the hotel to a house isn’t as easy as we thought.

First off, there’s a gate man we call BABA, from the north, who is as stubborn as the proverbial ass!! he wants things to go his way, and he will thus sabotage all to push his agenda through. The first thing i dont get is that he refuses, TOTALLY  refuses to get our names (eddie and i) and simply calls us Yellow small, and Yellow big… guess who is who! The sumumabitch really only knows Oscar by name and everyone else by description. Lemme explain. The house is huge, and therefore we moved in 5 of us. we have Akatu, Oscar, Kathleen, Eddie and I (Anthony). this is what the dumb old man knows us as. Haosa speaking naija man with deep voice like drum say make i pumparam, Oscar, Madam na full wahala, Yellow small na belle dey and Yellow big na belle big well well na Obama!

Seeing the above, you can imagine when he wants to say “Akatu wants me to switch on the Generator”, he says “Haosa speaking naija man with deep voice like drum say make i pumparam say make i on am gen”, or if he says “Kathleen says she doesnt want any trouble(unlikely)” he says “Madam na full wahala make say she no wan wahala” etc…..

Secondly, we have to take on HUGE diesel bills, coz as you may or may not know, 9JA no get light!!! so we have to ration the generator usage since we want to control costs, but im telling you, being from East Africa, we are struggling with this issue, you should have seen Yellow small na belle dey on saturday……he looked like a used condom….he he he he wet and haggardly!!!

Anyhow, as they say in swahili, Mgeni siku ya kwanza……i will stop there for today, and let the info marinate in your systems, then encourage you to check tomorrow for the new update. Sorry for the silence, will not happen again.

By the way, i have a pal back home called Black…this guy is dumb as a door post, and he knows it….he once said to me over christmas ” Anthony, see that woman’s ass, it is wide… wide as snow!!!”


Later guys…

Yellow big na belle big well well na obama!

North, Nots or Not: Part II

•December 15, 2008 • 2 Comments

So there I was, at the airport stranded and not having a clue what to do because idiot boy here doesn’t even have a map, doesn’t even know where to look on the map even if I had one. I looked lost, confused and very annoyed. So some bloke comes to me and asks where am going.

‘Where you de go?’ I tell him

Am going to Yola and the flights are full. He pulls me aside and asks me to give him 35,000 naira and extra 5000 naira and I go fly well well. This was a great moment for me, I was happy, overjoyed that I shall get to fulfill my Northern duties, my adventure to be in more than just Lagos. But logic caught up with my elation and doubt kicked in. ‘Oga, how you go get am flight that be fully book o?’ I asked. He paused, a 5 second pause is often a sign of unsurety and his broke eye contact, so I knew I had him. I rushed to one of the men who had ID tags round their necks and asked if the man was credible. I am too smart to be conned, I am. I have intuition, I sense these things. How gullible do they think I am, to promise me a seat of a fully booked flight? You want to take my money, run off and leave me looking a right idiot standing there when all others are boarding eh? Don’t you know am Kenyan!

Apparently, the guy works at the ticket office, and for 5000 naira some poor bastard was going to lose his seat so I could get on board. This is what they do to those who check in late, your booking mysteriously cancels itself. I was not agreeable to it, so I chose to fly to Abuja and bus it to Bauchi then Yola.

Nigeria is funny like that; I shall not refer to it as corruption, but a self serving myopic outlook. If you have money you can do anything to anyone and get away with it- so long as they also don’t have money. So people are always gauging you to see if they can muck around with you. You are compartmentalized based on the car you drive, clothes you wear, level of arrogance and disdain to others you possess. Like the other day, we were all in a Nigerian friend’s car, who is from a very well-to-do family in Lagos. She disobeyed an order to stop (there are no traffic lights in Lagos) so the police stopped us and from what I hear about Lagos police, you don’t mess with these people. But not her, she begun to abuse them, calling them stupid and useless, at this point I knew we were going to be shot. But to my astonishment the police profusely apologized and let us go. She then laughed and said ‘You have to put these people in their place, when you have money no one can touch you.’ Nigeria is very much like Kenya was under Moi, sad.

Back at the airport I manage to secure a flight to Abuja, it was my only option and I had heard several good things about Abuja so I wanted to discover the atmosphere myself, the only downside was that the flight was at 2:30pm, looking at my watch it’s 11am.

Why am I here?


North, Nots or Not: Follow The Compass

•December 12, 2008 • 2 Comments

So, I got bored of Lagos and wanderlust invaded my stagnant life here, and when an opportunity to travel out of Lagos peeped from yonder, I grabbed it well well.  Where was I going?  The Northern section of Nigeria, or as pronounced here the ‘Nots’ or ‘Not’.

As anyone in Lagos, who is not from the North, about the North and you shall get all kinds of stories.

“Those guys are not civilized! They eat rats, sniff glue and smoke cow dung!”  

Ati smoke what?

“They collect cow dung, place it under a fire and inhale the smoke.”

Talk about some hot shit, abeg abeg!

“They don’t speak English, only Hausa.  Eddie, they are backward people- how shall you cope with them.  You go suffer my brother!”

It’s at this point a ka familiar voice, one that only you hear and emanates often when you realize that a huge blunder has taken place begins to whisper “Eddie you dickhead, what have you done.”

It’s not like I can go up to the head of the department and say “Oga, I change my mind, maybe the North is not such a good idea.”  I mean, where is the sense of adventure, the sense of fun, the sense of..what is that you are giving me boss, an air ticket?  Oh crap.

I am to visit 6 Northern states in a week.  A week with dung smoking, glue sniffing, Hausa speaking, rat eating people: a people am often confused for.

It has been a tough life for me, I have been branded with several nationalities for years now.  I have been labelled a Somali, an Ethiopian, an Egyptian, Zanzibari, Pempa, Taita and now in Nigeria, Fuleni. 

So I leave early Sunday morning to take my 2 hour flight to Jos to begin my Northern adventure on Monday, only to get there to the news that all flights to Jos are cancelled due to the chaos there. 

“Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead!”  Am singing to myself, increasing after each ‘head’.  I should trun back now, this is the perfect excuse, a cancelled flight.  This is a sign.  This is it, extrication from this huge mess.  I don’t want to be in a village setting.  I like civilization.  I embrace modern technology.  I don’t want to be served rat peppe soup or rat suya.  Turn back, go back to the hotel and blame it on Jos. 

“Leave now dickhead, now, now”… But the need to endure all obstacles, the need to self actualize, the need to…okay, the need not to get fired drives me on.

There are 2 things you don’t do in Nigeria: Don’t let a stranger count your money and please do not give money to any fast talking oga.

Now that flights were cancelled, there was a scramble to secure bookings to other destinations.  The domestic airport is very small and was very crowded.  Imagine 400 people trying to get served at the Sarit food court and we are together.  This chaos and confusion becomes the right atmosphere for conmen to proliferate their GDP.

I walk straight to the counter and sadly informed that all flight to Yola, my next destination after Jos are full.

It’s at this point I wish I had some cow dung and a lighter with me.