Westlife’s SOLIDAD!!!

GOOD DAY!

well, we have to apologise for the long silence since we had our blog updated. this is due to the fact that Ed and I had taken on the biggest projects of our lives, MARRIAGE!!!! but that is all done and we are both hapily married, and enjoying it. But whatever you have heard about marriage is fake. They say that after marriage sex goes down?? Lies……Blogging is what goes down.

Anyway, we have been to Kenya and back two times(ED) and three times(ME) since April. We are now back in Lagos and fully entrenched in the Lagos way of life. Things keep getting weird here, but we are getting by.

Now the other day i was with my pals at a hang out place, in Mega Plaza, having some of those frothy liquids, and exchanging useless banter about things that never happened,when the weirdest thing happened. One guy came to me and asked “are you happy about defaccing God’s house??” i was obviously taken aback, and drawn in at the same time…whatever did this man mean?? He pointed at my arms and i remembered…..the tattoos.

I told this man that it was a matter of choice and he sat me down, removed pamphlets from God knows where, and proceeded to preach Jehova to me. God, a Jehovah Witness!!!!! These people should be sent to Middle East to look for Osama. THEY ALWAYS GET YOU WHEN YOU CANT BE GOTTEN!!!

so the guy proceeds to show me verses against tattoos, and telling me about all their beliefs…….BUT he didnt know i had been waiting for this day!!!! See i had researched the Jehovah witness religion for a while, and had saved their 101 laws on my phone (please google them and see what they are). I let him finish, then when he asked me if i had any questions, i unleashed my HTC® phone (But do i say) and proceeded to show him the rules as i had saved them. I asked him about them and noticed the man was getting uneasy, and speaking Ibo, or was it Yoruba???? i could see he was not used to being questioned.

i read till number 38, and (and this is why i say these guys are weird) the guy stopped me and said, “what did you say number 27 was?” I looked down at the phone to scroll up, and i must have looked away for a second or three at most, and when i looked up, the guy had disappeared!!!! HOW I DONT KNOW..

He was gone, no sign of  him anywhere. Spontaneous combustion. aiiiii!!! I turned to my pals and shrugged it off. Well we stayed for like 1.5 hours there, and i had forgotten about him totally, when from up on the roof came the guy, shaking his head mumbling something under his breath, and he then headed to the toilet.

My question for today is, How fast did this man go up the roof?? How long was he gonna stay there??? What was he mumbling under his breath??? A prayer or curse???? Are they taught how to climb fences and trees at service?????

AND ISN’T THIS DEDICATION??????

Look forward for more!!!

Now gents, you all are wondering what colour champagne is. Well, this was the first argument me and the wife, who l love to death, had. See when we were planning the wedding, I was mostly in lagos and was being updated through email and phone calls. I remember one such phone call saying “babe, the wedding theme will be Pink, black and champagne”. Me I heard “the wedding theme will be pink, and wone lack champagne”. So you can imagine my ire when I found no champagne on site. Lol

Anyhow was a great day, and I will write more on it, as well as post photos for you all. Thanks for all the support.

Now, in may, I came back to my offshore home, and some things have to be said about what I found. The rains have started in Lagos, and enyewe the weather is more bearable, but some things are just happening now.

Now ladies and gents lemme give you saga. The rainy season has come with its own wahala. Dudus (insects for the Anglophones) have increased around the house, mpaka we have to fumigate the house soon. Sasa, yesterday while watching Army wives in bed (yes I watch army wives, and jana Getty died…I cried like an ass-n-all fan), I heard a rustling sound just next to my bed. I closed my eyes and prayed to God saying “Aki let it not be a rat God Aki!!!” I turned slowly, and took my emergency lantern I place next to the bed, and turned it on, juu switch ya stima iko far. Out the corner of my left eye (you see I have sport vision, and this is valuable to any CSI, which I am) I saw a movement. I jumped up, my privates swinging all over the place coz I was nude, and decided, “This is it!! D-day” I moved the bed side drawer, and what I saw shocked me. I saw two big ass cockroaches shagging!!!!!! Aki they were making noise!!!!! I took my slippers and slapped them to death. You see?? Upon further checking, I saw they were shagging without a condom. This is a moral story……..the moral being, USE PROTECTION!!!

Let me take it slow, will update another story tomorrow. Much luv guys

Anthony (The married one)

Hope your weekend was great, me i had a wild one. Actually i was gonna update the blog with my shenanigans over the weekend, but as i got into the office i received an email that worried me….and i said i will share with my people.

Now, you guys say i make up stories and i lie about my experiences. Please know that the stories on the blog are 145% 890% 100% true OK 90% true. and we sometimes embellish, but not all the time…its called Writers Allowance…

The following story has deprived you all my inner thoughts, and is 100% true. Tell me how you can move on from this article. It is inane and ridiculous.

Goat detained over armed robbery

LAGOS (Reuters) – Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.
“The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,” Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.
“We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,” he said.
Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria , Africa ‘s most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.

Talk about a scapegoat!!!!

Maybe the thief turned into the straw…..or even one of the thugs had turned into the car and the rst were giving him some water!!!!

ENOUGH SAID!!!!!

Well, heres another friday, full of hope and promise for all worldwide. This is the day that everyone wakes up smiling and dresses whistling, looking forward to 3.45 p.m when the weekend officially starts, knowing that theyre free to do anything they want at night coz tomorrow, we rest…(well, everyone except the seventh day adventists….ouch)

Every human being from Timbuktu to Kazakhstan, from Nairobi to Abidjan, and many other places gets an extra bounce in their steps on fridays….this is fantastic.

So i woke up this morning, waited as usual for the birds to start chirping, then……silence….in 9ja, they dont chirp for shit! Birds have to rush to bar beach to hassle for the worms. You remember the saying “the early bird catches the worm?”, well here in lagos its “the early bird gets first in line for the worm”. Life in lagos is about hassling, even the birds have cartels that own all the worms….either that, or where do all the birds go in the morning….i never hear chirping……as usual, i digress. Anyway, i dressed up, came downstairs, had a glass of WATER for breakfast, and dashed out to head to work.

Guys, i aint changed one bit….i moved house, but i still grab Okada to the office, only now i have my own okada boy. I called him, but the network here is messed up, so I had to walk. I got on an okada, and had to go through the ritual. Let me digress again…….In lagos, the most mistreated part of the boy is the head. The federal govt. has deemed it fit to make all wear a helmet when you “enter” okada. These helmets therefore are shared by the whole 25 million people in Lagos. so heres what you do when you want to “enter” okada

1. Stand on the roadside and make a kissing sound in the air till an okada man stops near you.
2. Fight with the man, arm wrestle, tickle fight, measure dick length, till you reach an agreeable price.
3. “Enter” okada.
4. Remove hadkerchief, polythene bag. stocking, serviette, newspaper page or anything that you may want to cover your head with.
5. Wear 4. above on your head.
6. Wear the helmet that the okada guy gives you…same helmet that was worn by conan, absalom, cain and any other person previously.
7. Give directions and pray you get there soon

Now, the reason i said the head is most molested, is the one above…you share helmets, they use shoe brushes on your head in the barber shop, the sun hits your head direct injection……BAH!!!

You may or may not see that i’m actually bitter about this. BUT I AM!!!!  To hell with what you think. The reason im bitter is because after all the hassle and itches i got to the office, i saw this headline……

RESEARCHERS FIND CURE FOR HERPES

The cream, being developed by Massachusetts-based Alnylam Pharmaceuticals Inc, protected mice from herpes simplex 2, the virus that causes genital herpes………………………………..

These idiots are just promoting unprotected sex, coming up with chemicals that have RNA (what the hell) and they cant come up with a lotion, of a thingi that i can carry out of a pack and put on my head to protect it from UV, Barbers and helmets????? They can make condoms that “cant burst” (are these made by firestone?) and some that have the slogan “power is nothing without control” (pirrelli perhaps?)

i am pissed off. and on that note, i will go into imagine mode for a minute.

imagine if some of these companies made condoms….the slogans would be top notch…..imagine if it was:

1. Coke condoms Have a condom, and a smile.
2. Energiser condoms Keeps going and going….
3. Nokia Condoms, Connecting people
4. Chicken Republic condoms, Condoms for the masses (what?)
5. The Punch condoms, The most widely used condoms.
6. Firestone comdoms, where the rubber meets the broad
7. Nike Condoms, Just do it
8. Obama condoms, Yes we can, can we?

There are better things i could be doing with my time. sorry for the intrusion.

Have a great weekend all, and to all, GOOD friday.

By the way what was so GOOD about GOOD FRIDAY? isnt it the day that JESUS died? Why call it good???? They coould have gone with:

1. Easter friday,
2. Fateful friday,
3. Unforgettable friday,
4. OH MY GOD friday
5. Greatest denial (peter) friday,
6. The friday before the miracle,
7. Freaky friday

Etc. I just dont get the bible. And the day Jesus rises isn’t GOOD MONDAY!!!!! How am i to move on from this????

Enjoy!

Circa .75 B.C (yaba)- Mary is pounding yam for fufu, the angel appears “madam, you go get belle from somewhere abeg, no vex o. E don chose you carry his pikin (child)” he says. “Olodo, na me i no get husband. na wetin wahala be dis now? Abeg go” mary replies. “EEEEYAAAAA, me i don tell you.” poof, the angel disappears.

0 B.C, in Apapa…..Shepherds chilling, angel appears, “oga! how now? see eeh, make you follow that star sef, e go bring you carry go see son of man.” The guys stare back and ask each other…”e dey crase? Na what kind 419 be dis?” At this point, the angel is frustrated and pissed off. What kind of people are these? Patience…..”Ok, abeg, i don get letter from governor saying you go Adeyemo Alakija, see red building get alley for side, enter am you go see pikin na save world” he says……silence from the shepherds….then “anything for your friends sef” the men say. “ARRGGGHHHHH” the angel disappears.

Same time, Adeyemo Alakija, VI, “waaaaaa, waaaaaaa” baby crying. “Where is the semovita??” Mary says staring at Joseph, who replies..”abeg make i grab okada run park and shop buy am..no vex ma!” “carry go” mary shouts. Three wise men show up, and take away all the gold, silver and myrrhh….Naija!!!!!!!

He he he he. Anyway, i havent hought farther than that, but i have thought of the disciples he would choose. I would guess their names as…..Oyemike, Abayomi, Magaji, Shekarau, Ukpo, Abimola, Abayomi, Jide, Kolajo, Opebiyi, Usonegbu and Judas. Seriously, who can replace Judas??? Imagine how it would be if the gospels were written by Magaji, Ukpo, Shekarau and Oyemike? “Lets open Oyemike 2:54….” i wouldnt he he he.

Im not saying that the Nigerians are evil people, but do you imagine getting scriptures like those 419 letters……they’d go like….” From the desk of Magaji…..please allow me spread message today to you about the rest of your life…..” All gospel would end up in deleted items or junk mail.

Lemme shut up…..if you want more, please just request and i will go on….dont mean to offend anyone…..he he he he he.

All of y’all, have a great day.

I’m even scared to write on this blog owing to the silence weve had since the holidays. Sincerely you have to understand that Eddie and I have been running up and down preparing for our cousin Barry’s Inauguration. We seriously have had no time….but now we’re back. i have towrite about my experinces as Barry’s cousin in this Lagos.

First off, the trip to the actual event tomorrow has been cancelled for Eddie and I because we didnt understand some questions at the embassy…..well, on the forms…..see, Eddie answered “yes please” on the ‘Sex’ field, and I, being the wiser, answered “Ewwwwww”. This is not even the worst part…we both were arrogant enough to DEMAND to see the ambassador, after the guy asked us why we thought we deserved to go down for the event….ARE WE NOT HIS COUSINS??? Bull whatever! Anyhow, we cancelled the whole thing.

So after the win, we have been labelled Princes (well, thats what we deem ourselves) and thus we have had a round table meeting with the Nigerians, and decided to let them have the African Cup of Nations, while we (Kenya) keep the world…semms like a fair trade!

Anyhow, after Barry won, we decided to move into a big ass house that befits our status. well, this may have been a mistake coz damn! Moving from the hotel to a house isn’t as easy as we thought.

First off, there’s a gate man we call BABA, from the north, who is as stubborn as the proverbial ass!! he wants things to go his way, and he will thus sabotage all to push his agenda through. The first thing i dont get is that he refuses, TOTALLY  refuses to get our names (eddie and i) and simply calls us Yellow small, and Yellow big…..you guess who is who! The sumumabitch really only knows Oscar by name and everyone else by description. Lemme explain. The house is huge, and therefore we moved in 5 of us. we have Akatu, Oscar, Kathleen, Eddie and I (Anthony). this is what the dumb old man knows us as. Haosa speaking naija man with deep voice like drum say make i pumparam, Oscar, Madam na full wahala, Yellow small na belle dey and Yellow big na belle big well well na Obama!

Seeing the above, you can imagine when he wants to say “Akatu wants me to switch on the Generator”, he says “Haosa speaking naija man with deep voice like drum say make i pumparam say make i on am gen”, or if he says “Kathleen says she doesnt want any trouble(unlikely)” he says “Madam na full wahala make say she no wan wahala” etc…..

Secondly, we have to take on HUGE diesel bills, coz as you may or may not know, 9JA no get light!!! so we have to ration the generator usage since we want to control costs, but im telling you, being from East Africa, we are struggling with this issue, you should have seen Yellow small na belle dey on saturday……he looked like a used condom….he he he he wet and haggardly!!!

Anyhow, as they say in swahili, Mgeni siku ya kwanza……i will stop there for today, and let the info marinate in your systems, then encourage you to check tomorrow for the new update. Sorry for the silence, will not happen again.

By the way, i have a pal back home called Black…this guy is dumb as a door post, and he knows it….he once said to me over christmas ” Anthony, see that woman’s ass, it is wide…..as wide as snow!!!”

JESUS HELP US ALL.

Later guys…

Yellow big na belle big well well na obama!

‘Where you de go?’ I tell him

Am going to Yola and the flights are full. He pulls me aside and asks me to give him 35,000 naira and extra 5000 naira and I go fly well well. This was a great moment for me, I was happy, overjoyed that I shall get to fulfill my Northern duties, my adventure to be in more than just Lagos. But logic caught up with my elation and doubt kicked in. ‘Oga, how you go get am flight that be fully book o?’ I asked. He paused, a 5 second pause is often a sign of unsurety and his broke eye contact, so I knew I had him. I rushed to one of the men who had ID tags round their necks and asked if the man was credible. I am too smart to be conned, I am. I have intuition, I sense these things. How gullible do they think I am, to promise me a seat of a fully booked flight? You want to take my money, run off and leave me looking a right idiot standing there when all others are boarding eh? Don’t you know am Kenyan!

Apparently, the guy works at the ticket office, and for 5000 naira some poor bastard was going to lose his seat so I could get on board. This is what they do to those who check in late, your booking mysteriously cancels itself. I was not agreeable to it, so I chose to fly to Abuja and bus it to Bauchi then Yola.

Nigeria is funny like that; I shall not refer to it as corruption, but a self serving myopic outlook. If you have money you can do anything to anyone and get away with it- so long as they also don’t have money. So people are always gauging you to see if they can muck around with you. You are compartmentalized based on the car you drive, clothes you wear, level of arrogance and disdain to others you possess. Like the other day, we were all in a Nigerian friend’s car, who is from a very well-to-do family in Lagos. She disobeyed an order to stop (there are no traffic lights in Lagos) so the police stopped us and from what I hear about Lagos police, you don’t mess with these people. But not her, she begun to abuse them, calling them stupid and useless, at this point I knew we were going to be shot. But to my astonishment the police profusely apologized and let us go. She then laughed and said ‘You have to put these people in their place, when you have money no one can touch you.’ Nigeria is very much like Kenya was under Moi, sad.

Back at the airport I manage to secure a flight to Abuja, it was my only option and I had heard several good things about Abuja so I wanted to discover the atmosphere myself, the only downside was that the flight was at 2:30pm, looking at my watch it’s 11am.

Why am I here?

Eddie

As anyone in Lagos, who is not from the North, about the North and you shall get all kinds of stories.

“Those guys are not civilized! They eat rats, sniff glue and smoke cow dung!”  

Ati smoke what?

“They collect cow dung, place it under a fire and inhale the smoke.”

Talk about some hot shit, abeg abeg!

“They don’t speak English, only Hausa.  Eddie, they are backward people- how shall you cope with them.  You go suffer my brother!”

It’s at this point a ka familiar voice, one that only you hear and emanates often when you realize that a huge blunder has taken place begins to whisper “Eddie you dickhead, what have you done.”

It’s not like I can go up to the head of the department and say “Oga, I change my mind, maybe the North is not such a good idea.”  I mean, where is the sense of adventure, the sense of fun, the sense of..what is that you are giving me boss, an air ticket?  Oh crap.

I am to visit 6 Northern states in a week.  A week with dung smoking, glue sniffing, Hausa speaking, rat eating people: a people am often confused for.

It has been a tough life for me, I have been branded with several nationalities for years now.  I have been labelled a Somali, an Ethiopian, an Egyptian, Zanzibari, Pempa, Taita and now in Nigeria, Fuleni. 

So I leave early Sunday morning to take my 2 hour flight to Jos to begin my Northern adventure on Monday, only to get there to the news that all flights to Jos are cancelled due to the chaos there. 

“Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead!”  Am singing to myself, increasing after each ‘head’.  I should trun back now, this is the perfect excuse, a cancelled flight.  This is a sign.  This is it, extrication from this huge mess.  I don’t want to be in a village setting.  I like civilization.  I embrace modern technology.  I don’t want to be served rat peppe soup or rat suya.  Turn back, go back to the hotel and blame it on Jos. 

“Leave now dickhead, now, now”… But the need to endure all obstacles, the need to self actualize, the need to…okay, the need not to get fired drives me on.

There are 2 things you don’t do in Nigeria: Don’t let a stranger count your money and please do not give money to any fast talking oga.

Now that flights were cancelled, there was a scramble to secure bookings to other destinations.  The domestic airport is very small and was very crowded.  Imagine 400 people trying to get served at the Sarit food court and we are together.  This chaos and confusion becomes the right atmosphere for conmen to proliferate their GDP.

I walk straight to the counter and sadly informed that all flight to Yola, my next destination after Jos are full.

It’s at this point I wish I had some cow dung and a lighter with me.

Eddie

Wetin dey, how now, wagwan, iz ow, niaje, koro, yamune, kuhana atia and hello to all!!!!!!

Yeah yeah yeah, we know…its been too long since we wrote to you guys, and i believe you all need and deserve an explanation. This is it…Eddie had run dry on stories and decided to try out a Christian Amanpour for all y’all…..if you don’t know what that means, lemme explain. Christian Amanpour is that CNN lady, top reporter who jumps from one crisis to another….bombing in Middle East, she’s there. Crisis in darfur, there. Blow jobs in the white house, there. Burst sewer in Muthurwa…there!!! Ala!!!! As long as there’s bodily fluid being poured shes there! So our own Eddie tried out one of these and went up into the North of Nigeria and was there for a week plus. He will write to y’all soon. Me, i went to beautiful Nairobi to handle some personal stuff, and while there i swore off technology…i relaxed the old way, like my ancestors…..under a tree drinking those murky waters from Ruaraka in copious quantities (beer for the newbies)

This is the way to relax. I know this because the inventors and “wise men” of yore came up with a lot of wise sayings and inventions, discoveries and all this kind of shit this way. Look at the wise men in Mombasa…who else than an old drunk asswipe would come up with a saying like Bak bandika bak bandua??? sounds like illegal brew jibberish to me!!! Also think about shit like a white man saying shit like “the bullet that kills you is the one you dont hear” well its true, but what the hell???

Anyway, i was in sunny beautiful Nairobi and this is my story for today…..(although it probably wont be as great as Eddie Amanpour’s) Well, i arrived on a thursday, to be picked by my smaller bro, who invited me with an open beer…bless his heart! we had that one at the airport, and sped home. There, i dropped my bag, and we were off to look for an open bar, to celebrate my arrival (what?) any excuse to drink……Kenya!!!

Anyhow, had a number of drinks, you pick the number, but was nothing less than ten. Inebriation KENYAN style..he he he. slept and slept well guys. Next day i woke up and doled on my OGA suit and headed off to town……for what reason?? A quick cure for my AAAHDS!!!! Guys, Nairobi is blessed. As soon as i parked my car in town i was shocked by the ass erosion in Nairobi.

I was forced to sit on a pavement, people, just because of all the excellence of diab i saw!! All of it was there. Full moons, Half moons. Nice toosh, tight toosh, wobbly toosh, scary toosh!!! It was like i drove into heaven….in fact i kinda overdid my cure and developed a condition known as EIOATFA (pronounced e-i-o-a-t-f-a). but my people please dont panic…im back in Nigeria and another day here, it’ll balance, and i will be ok…..huh?? you wanna know what EIOATFA is?? It’s a condition that you develop pwhen you spend all day outside the Hilton Nairobi, looking at women’s posteriors…….it means Extreme Inundation Of All That Fine Ass!!

Listen, the ass in Nairobi is just awesome. This i saw all over the place. Everywhere you turn, a fine ass!!! i invite all 9ja boys to come see for yourselves..When you die and go to heaven, you’re probably gonna end up in Kenya!!!! he he he. Anyhow, i was walking around dressed like and Oga, holding my phones and holding my head up, trying to ignore the “wildlife” around me, and i decided to visit a boy of mine. I arrived and knocked at his office, mother bitch came out, sized me up in my get up………..and said the one thing i didnt expect to hear………listen i thought he’d say “wow dude, that shit is off the hizzle to the shizzle…better recognizzle!!!!” But the sumumabitch only asked calmly “why are you trying to dress like Jesus?” IMAGINE??? At this point readers, I ask the Big Question,

Thank you for participating. We will read out the results after this!

So the guy  totally deflated my slightly inflated ego, and i proceeded to storm out of the place like a gay little bitch, screaming like a litle girl!!! Damn you MR. Moreez!!!!! yeah i said it!!!

At this point i can only think of one person to make me feel great, she’s he queen of my heart, my pillar, my support, and the reason i am who i am…..J you know who you are!! I headed over to her house, and waited like a kid waiting for that first puppy!! An hour later, she came and we proceeded to **$#%@$%^@^@#$%&@$%%^#^^&**%#^*@$%!##^*#R$%&#$^@#$%!&^&*#%^%!%#$%&!

He he he he! this is only friday, and i have all this down…. you all are lucky! So went on to joing some of my mates later on at the pub, Nairobi pubs are great, always smell of roast meat, guys acting cool, ladies acting hoyty toyty, some boys acting like idiots….aaaahhhhh i’m home!!!! Nice.

Had a great time drinking and trading war stories…under a tree!!! I shit you not…….till the wee hours of the morning! Drove off to the house, not forgetting to buy a half  “porno” chicken from Kenchick, and was in bed early…..on Saturday!! Goodnight Kenya, thanks for the lovely welcome…..

Next time……..Chilling with the Original Homeboys!…….

Great to be back guys…..

Anthony